My Role in All of This

One thing that I have noticed with Master being away this time is that it is so important to discuss negative feelings and thoughts and to work through things. If I left stuff unsaid it would fester and just get worse and then when we had a chance to be together things would be strained and unhappy. That's the furthest thing from what I want. I WANT this home to be a place where Master can come at the end of a long, hard day and relax without me freaking out on him all the time.

There have been a few things that I have been struggling with in the past few weeks. One big one, and the thing that everything else seems to stem from, is that I felt like my role had changed. Now, I get that relationships change and evolve over time and I accept that. Part of it was left over bad mojo from my previous relationship (which you can read about here).

What worried me was that I felt lost. I felt like I was more of a wife than a slave and, coupled with Master being away, I just couldn't handle it. While he was away, the rules slacked off and it was hard to handle. I am a capable, grown-ass woman and I am capable of looking after myself and managing a household. What I couldn't handle was the feeling that one facet of my core identity was slipping away.

Master and I got married for a number of reasons. We love each other. With him being military, it is easiest to deal with moves and changes if we are legally married. We also loved the idea of the legal "ownership" aspect and it would look less strange if I took his last name. His role in the lives of the kidlets is also much more official if he is their step parent rather than their mother's boyfriend. One thing you will learn about me (if you haven't already) is that I want things to be as simple and hassle free as possible. Legal marriage gave us that simplicity.

We didn't marry because of a romantic need for Master to be my husband or I, his wife. The only ring that mattered was the one around my neck although people understand the ones on my finger much more. I have always identified as his slave more than his wife. But when he was away and things got more relaxed than they were, it seemed like it was the wife role that had slipped into the forefront. And that messed with my head.

Master and I have talked about my past before and the fact that I really don't know how to be a wife in the vanilla sense. He knows that my internal mental processes need boundaries and guidelines to work with and if those are gone either because stuff has relaxed or because I am becoming more of a wife that I have problems coping. I have started to learn that just because I am not being beaten it doesn't mean that Master is not in control of me.

We are changing some aspects of our relationship. Master is being less permissive with certain activities and we are now instituting more of a dress code than we have had in the past. I am sure that there will be more changes over time but Master and I both want them to be sustainable and achievable rather than something we both feel tied down by.